Who did you become? Me....? I have no Idea what I want to be when I grow up. I better think of something Quick though, as I'm now pushing 47! 47. Psh. That's young these days. Right? Right!
I've spent many years thinking about how I screwed up when I was younger. When I was rather young, I wanted to be a psychologist. Later I took on a different interest. At about 22 years old, I enrolled in school to become a translator for the deaf. What did I do Instead of going to my first class? Well, I moved out of state to get away from a guy. GREAT decision. I then moved in with a sister, who often drove me to the brink of insanity. I could write 10 blogs on her alone. The game plan then became; get a job and get the hell out. Then boy meets girl, girl is not happy, girl gets pregnant and says, "Ah, what the hell." Ahhh. The fairy tale I always dreamed of..... You can probably surmise that this fairy tale ended in divorce. Shocker, I know. Then with a 5 and 6 year old to care for, I had to get a job and pull it all together. I wasn't one of those Super moms who could do it all. Work, school, kids And keep everyone happy without Prozac. So I stuck with work, kids, a messy life and the occasional break down. God bless those who could do it all!
My children, whom I love with all my heart and soul, are 18 and 19 now. That's one decision I would Never regret. Having my babies. It wasn't easy, but we all survived. So far :) I've spent many years wondering what I want to do with my life outside of being a mom. I work, of course. I've been in print advertising sales for about 11 years. I took a couple off, in between, to sell commercial trash service. Throughout all of these years, even those when I was making very good money (not the case now), I still wondered....What am I Supposed to be doing with my life? What should I 'be'? I've thought about nursing for a Very long time now. I see it. But all that blood and mangled limbs might just turn me into a patient instead. But hey, then I would be able to experience psychology too, though I was hoping to do that from the chair, not the couch......So maybe that wouldn't be the best laid plan, though I think of it OFTEN. Then how would I afford school etc. For many years I've felt very lost. Like I don't have a talent, or a 'thing'. A gift, I guess. It's weighed heavy on me, often wondering how I will leave My mark. Wondering how I will make a difference. Feeling like a non-person almost. Tonight it hit me. I am me! And I am quite wonderful just as I am. OK. That might be a Bit of an exaggeration and I know that won't pay the bills, or offer me a cozy life in retirement, but I am happy. Honestly, I would rather be happy without a 'title', than rich and miserable as many seem to be. Some have it all and that's great! But maybe this is just how it was supposed to be for Me. There are So Many things I'm interested in that I wouldn't even know Which one to pick if I could attain any of them! Archaeology, nursing, translator, musician (yeah, a stretch :) counselor, business owner.....The list goes on. In many ways, raising kids gave me the opportunity to explore ALL of these things. I don't Have to have a piece of paper to make it official, though journeys to other countries and digging up bones and artifacts would have been a plus ;) The farm we lived on, for awhile, offered it's share of amazing discoveries, if you count rabbits, deer, snakes etc....both living and deceased! See? Exciting! So today I will stop feeling less than. To my kids, I was all of these things, at some point, and that is the most important thing. That, and my happiness with who I am. What I will be in this next chapter of my life is a mystery and that is exciting in itself! I can't wait to explore the rest of me.